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19 August 2008 @ 03:46 pm

La bella luna!

Up down up down. Moods, man. Actually I've been in a pretty good mood lately - DESPITE the absolutely gorgeous full moon on Friday. La bella luna! The moonstruck moon making each of us a little bit more angry or feisty than usual I think. In a good way, I hope.

I am still trying to let go and just be. Is it working? Most days. Most hours of most days. It's hard though. I went to see my friends baby last night. I held her for a really long time and then went home and fell apart. It made me really sad. I couldn't help it. I'll get over it eventually, but it's just so hard to hold what I want right in front of me and not be able to have it. What makes matters worse is, my friend is so over-the-moon-ridiculously-giddy-happy now, it makes it even harder. She's so in love with her baby it makes me want that even more. I remember that love. Like it was yesterday. Like I said - some days/hours are better than others.

I'm still losing weight. Slowly - but it's coming off. It's great except I'm having to replace my entire wardrobe. This is getting expensive! I have a long ways to go to firm up my body, that's for sure. And then - there are the boobs. They are not looking so hot lately. I am still a D, but it's not the prettiest at this point. Maybe I should get a boob job/lift? Of course then I would want a tummy-tuck to get rid of all that extra skin with stretch marks. This could be a slippery slope though... but I do think it would definitely give me more confidence. And hell - if I'm not going to have another baby, might as well be a cougar and go for younger men. (This is all just ramblings in my head - so don't crucify me over this please...)

Just got my new bed in. So comfy - I never knew what pillow top was like - I'd only heard whispers of such cloud-like softness... Honestly? It is great. I got a great deal on it and it's about time. That old mattress can suck it. Unless you decide to come visit and stay at my house, then it's really not that bad.

Fri/Sat was a good night/day. Sunday? Did not leave the house once. I had so much work to do I just couldn't do anything else. M and I went out to breakfast Sat morning and were talking about work. He was telling me what he does, what he's designing, and how much he loves it. He truly is passionate about his job. I am jealous. I wish I could say that. Honestly I'm ambivalent at best. But the thing is, what job would I want in order for me to be passionate? I've been away from creativity for so long now, I don’t even know what it would take to get me excited again. That makes me sad. I want to be excited about working. I like having a job. I like the social interaction of it, the challenge of it, the intellect - but man I just haven't been feeling that lately. So listening to M describe all giddy-little-boy-like about his job made me realize even that much more how unhappy I am with mine.

Also making me sad lately? The fact that my daughter is growing up before my eyes. She's been walking to school and home by herself, and staying by herself until I get home. Usually it's not more than a half hour or so, but still! Seems so grown up for her to have her own key (on a chain around her neck just like I used to have except mine was a shoestring) and be on her own. She went to her first movie with just her friends (and one older sister) where I dropped her off at the door and she did everything on her own. She was invited to this thing at a friends church on Friday night and I'm thinking it might be a lock-in. Holy crap, is she old enough for those? Fifth grade? I can't remember. Am I really ready for her to be this independent? How in the world did it happen overnight? This is freaking me out a little.

Also got the guts up to put in this dating thing for this magazine here - and now I don't think they're going to pick me. I haven't heard anything from them and I feel a little sad about it. oh well. Again - everything happens for a reason. Sigh.

Development Goals and Basic Accounts

Last week we updated our development goals for 2008. Generally we noted a number of cool enhancements and investments to LiveJournal that we are working on, including improved search, usability, and site development.

We also wanted to let you know how we hope to accomplish all these things, and how we plan on paying for them. In order to accomplish our stated goals for this year and beyond, we need to increase the revenue gained from both groups of LiveJournal accounts: paid subscription accounts and ad-supported accounts.

As of August 28th, all users will be able to choose to downgrade their account to Basic through their Manage Account page. Additionally, we will start showing advertising to visitors who are not logged in to LiveJournal when they are looking at Basic Account journals and communities.

Basic Account users themselves will not see ads on any Basic journal or community while they are logged in to their account. If you want more information about this, take a look at our new post on

lj_2008 where we outline our reasoning.

Indian Flash Fiction Contest

In other news, we are excited to tell you we've launched "Quick Tales" LiveJournal's first initiative for users in India, in celebration of India Independence day, August 15th. "Quick Tales" is a flash fiction writing contest in which we're partnering with Caferati.com, one of India's largest online literary communites. The contest's winners will receive some great prizes and it is open to anyone with a mailing address in India. We hope that users with an interest in Indian writing or just India will watch LiveJournal's

india_writing community. That's where the finalists and winners will be announced, so keep an eye on it towards the end of September! If you're in India then enter the contest - if your story is slick and quick (under 500 words) then you could be the lucky winner!

Meanwhile, back at LiveJournal Inc.

We have updated and redesigned our corporate site. The goal of the redesign was twofold: first, to update the look and feel (Dystopia users will appreciate it!); second, we want to provide a destination for prospective employees, partners, and members of the press where they can access important information about the company. Kudos to our design team.

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fishkiller

12 August 2008 @ 12:28 pm

trust the Man

Decided to take a 3-day weekend. It started out on quite the bad note I have to say. M and I got in a huge fight Thurs night and Friday morning - so that didn't help things. Then I took the wrong highway while trying a "shortcut" from my folks house and ended up an hour off schedule. While that was annoying, it actually turned out ok bc I got to drive through kstate and see some of the changes. I hadn't been there in fifteen years, and the feeling of driving back into that city still felt exactly the same as it did when I was 20.

Finally made it to my sisters where I found out my nephew was sick. Sigh. Wouldn't be quality family time well spent unless we were spreading germs now would it? No swimming that day, or all weekend as it turns out. The boy had a fever that would not go away so we were stuck in the house mostly.

Both M and I ended up sending email apologies at the exact same time later on that afternoon. It was almost unbelievable, but it goes to show we have the same mindset and are both willing to apologize bc we know how important each is in the others life.

I did some shopping on my own (now a size smaller - yay!) and then my sister and I went out to dinner with some girls from our sorority days. That was actually a lot of fun. Italian food and martini's - yum. Then we went back to my sisters where her friends/neighbors had come over to hang out and we all sat out back and drank and joked around. It was nice. I wish I lived in a neighborhood where that happened. A lot cheaper and safer than going out.

Saturday was spent again at the house and then we left that afternoon. I had Jew class the next morning that I didn't want to miss. The drive back? Rained the entire time. Pouring rain. This is August people, what the hell? Didn't have a sitter that night so I couldn't go to my friends b-day party, which I was bummed about, but was so very tired so it was probably a good thing. Met R and E for E's b-day dessert, which was nice. But again - so tired so not much fun to be around.

Sunday was busy but good. I got to play with baby A for a long time - which certainly didn't help my hormones and baby yearnings any. But it was so much fun. It's been so long since I've spent a decent amount of time with a baby, so that was nice. My ovaries have been twitching ever since. sigh.

Sunday night M and I decided to do something. We were going to see a movie but was too late for the earlier show - so decided Indian food and then hanging out at my house watching tv instead. That was really just nice. I know that sounds lame describing it as nice - but it was. I'd rather have a million days like that than a few incredible ones.

When I was driving on Friday - and also going out Thurs night with the girls - and many emails/talks with the Rabbi - I had finally felt it was ok to let go. To stop questioning why over everything and just be. I know it's a struggle - almost hourly for me - but I've really been trying. I had this epiphany that everything I've been bitching and moaning about that hasn't come to fruition for me - it's bc of me forcing my choices in the matter. Me wanting all of this stuff - but realizing that maybe what I've wanted isn't right for me. What if the stuff that's really meant for me is ten times better and I just haven't allowed myself to open up and receive it? So now I'm opening up and ready to receive whatever it is that is supposed to be for me. Once I finally let go I realized I'm actually kind of excited about it. Baby? Move? Man? Sex on a regular basis? Whatever it is - I'm open.

As far as everyone saying I need to move - I know this isn't the place for me, I realize this. But it's a lot easier to make that decision when you're single with no kids, than when you have a family to think about. The right place and time will come. So will the right job and family. There is something better out there for me, I know it. I just have to trust that it will all work out.

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